


The Key of Life

by Zivlok



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, alternate universe - title swap, chrono trigger references in the tags fuck to the yeah, in the end the future refused to change, title swap, weird au where the variables changed but the outcomes stayed the same
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-16
Updated: 2012-11-16
Packaged: 2017-11-18 19:52:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/564656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zivlok/pseuds/Zivlok
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>CCG: THE WORST CASE SCENARIO HAS HAPPENED.<br/>CCG: THE BARD OF LIFE IS ON THE LOOSE.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Key of Life

CURRENT cardiacGeneflecter [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board TEAM HEARTLESSLYCUTE.

CCG: THIS IS PROBABLY THE LAST MEMO I WILL WRITE.  
CCG: BECAUSE FIRST OF ALL, THERE’S PRETTY MUCH NOTHING LEFT TO SAY.  
CCG: AND SECOND OF ALL, I MIGHT BE DEAD SOON.  
CCG: I’M JUST HOPING SOME OF YOU IDIOTS READ THIS, AND EVEN IF YOU THINK I’M FULL OF SHIT NOW, WHEN IT ALL STARTS GOING DOWN YOU MIGHT JUST REMEMBER WHAT I SAID AND SAVE YOURSELVES.  
CCG: THE WORST CASE SCENARIO HAS HAPPENED.  
CCG: THE BARD OF LIFE IS ON THE LOOSE.  
CCG: YEAH, I KNOW WHEN WE ALL REALIZED OUR TITLES WE THOUGHT THEY FIT US PERFECTLY.  
CCG: ALMOST TOO PERFECT.  
CCG: ARADIA REALLY CAME INTO HER OWN AS A PAGE OF TIME  
CCG: BEFORE THE ACCIDENT, AT LEAST.  
CCG: AND UNTIL VERY FUCKING RECENTLY FEFERI WAS A FANTASTIC WITCH OF HOPE  
CCG: I REALLY DON’T KNOW WHAT OUR TEAM WOULD HAVE DONE WITHOUT HER KEEPING OUR SPIRITS UP AND FOCUSED.  
CCG: NEPETA WAS A ROGUE OF BLOOD LONG BEFORE WE EVER PLAYED THIS GAME, I MEAN DID YOU SEE THE FUCKING WALLS OF HER HIVE?  
CCG: AND YOU BET YOUR NOOK-CHORTLING ASS I WAS THE BEST DAMN KNIGHT OF HEART THIS GAME EVER SAW.  
CCG: SO GAMZEE AS A HERO OF LIFE MADE PERFECT SENSE  
CCG: I MEAN, WAS THERE ANYONE WHO EVER SEEMED MORE BLISSED OUT AT THE VERY FACT THAT THEY WERE ALIVE THAN GAMZEE MAKARA?  
CCG: SURE, SOME OF IT WAS PROBABLY BECAUSE HE WAS PERPETUALLY STONED  
CCG: BUT HIS WEIRD BEETLE-BASED CULT REALLY GAVE HIM A HAPPY-GO-LUCKY DISPOSITION  
CCG: AND A BARD? WELL THAT SEEMED PERFECT - SOMEONE WHO SANG OF THE JOYS OF LIFE WITH EVERY ACTION THEY MADE.  
CCG: UNFORTUNATELY, WHILE WE REVELED IN THE POWERS OUR ASPECTS GAVE US, WE DIDN’T GIVE MUCH THOUGHT TO OUR CLASSES.  
CCG: WELL, NO ONE BESIDES KANAYA, MAYBE IT’S A MIND THING, MAYBE IT’S A SEER THING, I DON’T KNOW.  
CCG: AND YEAH, SURE, EQUIUS AS A THIEF OF ANYTHING DIDN’T MAKE MUCH SENSE, AND I DIDN’T SEE HIM STEAL ONE THING THE ENTIRE SESSION  
CCG: IN FACT I DIDN’T SEE MUCH OF HIM AT ALL, HE JUST KIND OF SHOWED UP TO FIGHT THE BLACK KING WEEKS AFTER THE GAME STARTED, MOIRAIL IN TOW.  
CCG: HOW DO YOU EVEN STEAL VOID IN THE FIRST PLACE, THOUGH?  
CCG: FUCK  
CCG: I’M GETTING SIDETRACKED AS USUAL  
CCG: I GUESS EVEN IN MY FINAL MOMENTS I AM A COMPLETE AND UTTER FAILURE AT ANYTHING ACTUALLY MEANINGFUL  
CCG: WHAT WAS I EVEN TALKING ABOUT?  
CCG: GODDAMMIT PAST ME THAT IS SO CLOSE TO BEING CURRENT ME IT MAKES MY SHAME GLOBES ACHE  
CCG: WITH SHAME  
CCG: RIGHT, CLASSES.  
CCG: TURNS OUT BARDS AREN’T THE FRIVOLOUS SUPPORT CLASS WE ALL THOUGHT THEY WERE  
CCG: WELL ALL OF US EXCEPT KANAYA  
CCG: AND KANAYA, IF PAST YOU SOMEHOW MANAGED TO READ THIS  
CCG: PLEASE KNOW THAT I AM SO, SO SORRY.  
CCG: AND YOU WERE THE BEST MOIRAIL I EVER COULD HAVE ASKED FOR  
CCG: <>  
PAST gobemouchesAncillary [PGA] 180 HOURS AGO responded to memo.  
PGA: <>  
PGA: I Must Once Again Assure You That You Are Also A Wonderful Moirail  
PGA: However I Do Have A Small Series Of Qualms  
PGA: To Whit  
CCG banned PGA from responding to memo.  
CCG: SORRY KANAYA  
CCG: I JUST  
CCG: I CAN’T DO THAT RIGHT NOW  
CCG: I WISH I COULD  
CCG: BUT I CAN’T.  
CCG: ANYWAY.  
CCG: BARDS  
CCG: ACTUALLY A DESTROYER CLASS  
CCG: THAT’S REALLY ALL THERE IS TO SAY ON THE MATTER  
PAST thebanCosmologist [PTC] 420 HOURS AGO responded to memo.  
PTC: HeY bEsT bUdDy  
PTC: I dOn’T rEaLlY fEeL lIkE i’M uP aNd GeTtInG mY dEsTrUcTiOn On In ReGaRdS tO aNyThInG tHaT pTaH wEnT aNd MoThErFuCkInG tHoUgHt Up  
PTC: I’m CoNtEnT tO jUsT gEt My MoThErFuCkInG rOlL oN, lIkE hOw ThE bLeSsEd ScArAb BeEtLe RoLlS tHe SuN rIgHt AcRoSs ThE mOtHeRfUcKiNg WiCkEd CaNvAs We CaLl OuR sKy  
CCG: PAST GAMZEE, GOD DAMN IT.  
CCG: I AM TRYING TO WARN PEOPLE OF YOUR MURDEROUS FUTURE SELF.  
CCG: THIS PRACTICALLY DOESN’T EVEN HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU.  
CCG: NOW GO BACK TO GROPING YOUR KEYS AND BEING DISTRACTED BY BEETLES YOU USELESS FUCK.  
PTC: YeAh, I cAn DeFiNiTeLy CaRrY oUt ThAt OrDeR, bRo.  
PTC: I’lL jUsT kEeP rOlLiNg My OwN bLeSsEd BaLlS oF dUnG, hOpInG tHaT tHe MoThErFuCkInG mIrAcLe BeEtLeS wIlL bUrSt FoRtH, fUlL oF mOtHeRfUcKiNg LiFe. :O)  
CCG banned PTC from responding to memo.  
CCG: SEE WHAT I MEAN?  
CCG: LIFE IS HIS ASPECT.  
CCG: IT FITS HIM ABSOLUTELY PERFECTLY.  
CCG: ANY TIMELINE WHERE HE HAD A DIFFERENT ASPECT WAS OBVIOUSLY A DOOMED ONE BECAUSE OF HOW LITTLE SENSE IT WOULD MAKE  
CCG: THOUGH I’M STARTING TO SUSPECT THAT THIS MIGHT BE A DOOMED TIMELINE TOO  
CCG: TRYING NOT TO THINK LIKE THAT, BUT IT’S HARD  
CCG: I WISH FEFERI WAS STILL HERE  
PAST coralCoven [PCC] 380 HOURS AGO responded to memo.  
CCG: NOPE  
CCG banned PCC from responding to memo.  
CCG: DEFINITELY CAN’T FUCKING DEAL WITH THAT  
CCG: IF I CAN’T TALK TO MY DECEASED MOIRAIL THERE’S NO WAY I’M TALKING TO MY MATESPRIT.  
CCG: EX-MATESPRIT.  
CCG: WHATEVER.  
CCG: OKAY I’M GOING TO CLOSE THIS SORRY EXCUSE FOR A LAST TESTAMENT AND GO FACE MY FATE LIKE A TROLL.  
CCG: HOPEFULLY AT LEAST ONE OF YOU ACTUALLY READ THIS FUCKING MEMO AND MANAGED TO SOMEHOW GET AWAY  
CURRENT thebanCosmologist [CTC] responded to memo.  
TC: aww now that’s no way to talk, my brother.  
CCG: OH FUCK  
CTC: YOU’RE KICKING THE WICKED INFORMATION FOR ALL MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS  
CTC: my everfuckinglasting thanks for that, bro  
CTC: I’D LIKE TO GET MY THANK ON REAL PERSONAL-LIKE WITH YOU  
CCG: OH GOD OH FUCK OH GOD  
CTC: you’re motherfucking right  
CTC: YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY MOTHERFUCKING RIGHT  
CTC: life is  
CTC: WAS  
CTC: will forever be  
CTC: MY MOTHERFUCKING ASPECT  
CTC: it is me  
CTC: AND I AM MOTHERFUCKING IT  
CTC: embrace me, my brother  
CCG: NO I DON’T WANT TO  
CTC: I AM YOUR OSIRIS  
CTC: let me embrace you and show you the path to true life  
CTC: FOR THIS LIFE WE ARE LIVING IS A SHAM  
CTC: a downright heresy  
CTC: SOME JOKERS ARE KICKING MOTHERFUCKING HERESY ALL UP AROUND US  
CCG: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO  
CTC: but it’s okay my wicked brother!  
CTC: I AM HERE TO USHER YOU INTO ETERNAL LIFE  
CTC: i want to help you  
CTC: JUST LIKE I HELPED EQUI-BRO AND MY OWN LITTLE KITTY-SIS  
CCG: YOU KILLED NEPETA TOO?  
CCG: YOU WERE FUCKING MATESPRITS!  
CTC: aw no need to get your harsh on, bro  
CTC: I DREW BEAUTIFUL GREEN HEARTS ALL AROUND HER  
CTC: and delicious blue spades around him  
CCG: BUT WHY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD  
CCG: WHY?!  
CTC: BECAUSE OF THE KEYS, MY BROTHER  
CCG: WAIT WHAT  
CCG: NO SERIOUSLY, WHAT?  
CTC: it turns out my favored motherfucking strife specibus  
CTC: WAS MORE OF A LIFE SPECIBUS :o)  
CTC: i’ve got my keys in my hand and a gleam in my eye  
CTC: I’VE GOT THE KEY TO MOTHERFUCKING ETERNAL LIFE RIGHT HERE FOR YOU  
CTC: and if you try to get your motherfucking resist on  
CTC: I’M JUST GOING TO HAVE TO UNLOCK YOU  
CCG: I’M COMPLETELY FINE BEING LOCKED OH GOD  
CTC: i’m going to unlock the life right out of you  
CTC: AND WE WILL SING SWEET SONGS AS I USHER YOU TO A BETTER PLACE, MY BROTHER.  
CCG: OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK  
CTC: ankh.  
CTC: ANKH.  
CTC: ankh.  
CTC: AAAAAAAAAAANKH.  
CCG: OH FUCK OH SHIT OH NO OH FUCK  
CCG: I HAVE TO GO

CCG closed memo.

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by a silly conversation a friend and I had, about how "ankh" sounds like "honk" - I had originally been pronouncing it like "aint". I had a lot of fun with this, sticking close to the original canon script in the beginning, and then veering wildly away, but still throwing in shoutouts to the original flow of the dialogue along the way. Also, bonus points if you can spot the semi-obtuse reference to 90's rap buried in the middle of this.
> 
> Lastly, I did in fact hammer out everyone's titles in this AU I just kind of accidentally spawned, and there are reasons behind them. The full list:
> 
> aradia: PAGE of time  
> tavros: MAGE of breath  
> sollux: MAID of doom  
> karkat: knight of HEART  
> nepeta: rogue of BLOOD  
> kanaya: SEER of MIND  
> terezi: SYLPH of SPACE  
> vriska: HEIR of light  
> equius: THIEF of void  
> gamzee: bard of LIFE  
> eridan: prince of RAGE  
> feferi: witch of HOPE
> 
> The bold indicates which part was changed, aspect or class. You'll notice that I followed a sort of ABAB pattern, with the lowbloods changing their class (in a nice little meta-textual pun), midlowbloods switching aspects, midbloods switching errything, midhighbloods switching class, and highbloods switching aspects. So, we've got a nice palindromic 3-2-1-1-2-3 pattern going on, as well as a Class-Aspect-Both-Both-Aspect-Class pattern. I dunno, I geek out about stuff like this. I'm not sure if I'm ever going to continue this AU, but I do already have little snippets of information and stuff that I didn't want to work into this fic, because then it would seem more like an AU exposition dump than an actual pesterlog.
> 
> Also, yes, Sollux is a maid of doom. What? He could totally rock it. Besides, discussions on troll biology aside, if there ever was someone in the canon who would be bigendered...


End file.
